Monday, February 4, 2013

Oh Where, Oh Where Has This Blogger Been?

It has been a week since I have posted on my blog and I am honored to say that several people have reminded me of that fact.  So...people are actually reading what I have to say.  I really don't have an excuse for not blogging.  I have not been particularly busy for the past week, nor have I been out of town and away from my laptop.  I have just been uninspired and lazy.  Since Steve's death, I have noticed that I have experienced many of these periods.  At first I thought that it was my reaction to the grief of losing him and that I was going through periods of depression that were marked by listlessness, inattentiveness and generally feeling like I was in a fog.  These periods seemed to be brought on by events or situations that reminded me of Steve...his birthday, Christmas day, our favorite song playing on the radio, seeing one of his friends, or a finding a letter in the day's mail addressed to him.  As time wore on, I found that I could prepare myself for the "big" days on the calendar like anniversaries, birthdays & holidays.  If I psyched myself up for several days before the event and planned something different for that day, I could trick myself into not going into that deep, dark hole of sadness & anger that would pull me into the fog.  After 5 1/2 years, I was mastering this technique to the point that I actually seemed normal.  However, I began to experience these periods of fogginess for no apparent reason.  Such has been the case for the past week.  Over the weekend, it hit me like a lightning bolt.  In January of 2007, having finished radiation & chemotherapy, Steve's doctors performed several tests and determined that he was cancer free.  We were so elated and celebrated with BBQ and our friends.  Three days after that party, Steve experienced a day of disorientation and an inability to communicate effectively.  More tests determined that he had 2 brain tumors.  Dr. Johnson immediately scheduled Steve for Gamma Knife Surgery.  I was terrified, but Dr. Johnson assured me that it would be okay.  The procedure does not involve a knife and it is not surgery.  Steve's tumors would be subjected to concentrated bombardment with Gamma rays to kill the cancer.  On January 31, 2007, the procedure was performed.  It was like being in a Science Fiction movie.  A large metal cage was screwed into Steve's skull and he was placed in a contraption that looked like a CT scanner.  I was a nervous wreck, but Steve was happy because he was in a chemically altered state and all he had to do was lay there, listen to Willie Nelson albums and sleep.  The treatment was successful and 6 weeks later, tests showed that the tumors were shrinking.  The lightning bolt that hit me over this past weekend was the recollection of what we thought was a turning point in Steve's recovery and the realization that it had dredged up strong emotions that triggered "the fog".  So, I guess I'm not "over" Steve's death just yet.  That's very hard for me to say, because everyone thinks I am so strong and able to handle this.  If they only knew!  But recognizing what is happening is the first step in making it better, so I guess I am on the road to recovery.  I just wish I could move on and be whole again.  I'm like the person who prays for patience, but wants it right now!

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